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My Special Friend

Love n light seedling

We meet at last!

I met my special friend in 2018 when a guy named Wayne brought her through his treacherous tunnel to my door. I was on a tea break, so she was escorted into my clinic by a group of tall blond guys in leather boots from the local neo-Nazi org and a little robot built in the shape of a Hollywood "grey".

My special friend was a bit woozy from the Rick Simpson oil she had ingested. Not to worry, I helped her onto my examination table and did some healing on her. (It didn't stick.) I gave her important messages to save humanity and told her to wake up but she was still unsteady on her feet, so I teleported her back to Wayne's house with a click of my pincers. (NOTE: Don't blame me for making Wayne dig that stupid tunnel when we have teleportation technology - blame the sadistic aliens he met on his mountain.) She thought 6 hours had passed but it was really only 90 minutes or so. Drugs'll do that to ya.

My mouthpiece and my message

I admit, things didn't go quite according to plan after my special friend left the alien base. She forgot to tell Wayne all about meeting me and the important messages I gave her. By the next morning she'd forgotten everything! Darn it. The Galactic Federation forbids contacting humans via email and the like, so I had to sit back and hope she'd remember soon.

Well, it took a while, but in early 2021 she finally decided to spread the good news. Imagine my surprise when she told the world (one subreddit and a small podcast) that bad aliens were on their way to destroy humanity! What? Why was my mouthpiece going off-script? Every time I tried to telepathically put her back on track, she couldn't understand me because this wretched mindmeld shit doesn't convey words too well. Like, it took her forever just to figure out the word "density," which we teach our kids as nymphs.

Reflections on the apocalypse

Of course I wish I'd just made a Twitter account back in 2018 and been my own mouthpiece from the start, especially when my special friend got side-tracked making a pyramid chart of the organizational structure of the Galactic Federation. While that's important to me (I like to know how to label my fellow aliens since we don't have names), I don't think humanity really cares too much when their planet is about to be zapped by a solar flare, flooded by tsunamis, and plunged into a lasting ice age where survival will depend on being able to communicate telepathically across the globe.

Please note: There are a couple of "outs" for humans who don't want to deal with the apocalypse. Those lucky enough to be hybrids* will have their consciousnesses rescued by aliens and taken off-planet before the worst of it.** (As previously mentioned I'm currently stuck in the alien base but I'm sure I won't be forgotten...)

* Like my special friend whose mother was meddled with against her will (NOT BY ME, I SWEAR) until an embryo passing as human was created.

** I know, I know, this is just what Heaven's Gate said, but that doesn't mean things have to end badly.

The other way out is to transcend. It's obviously super important to learn how, like the most important thing ever, but you have to figure out for yourself how to do it.

Your planet will eventually recover from the apocalypse and move into the fourth density where light is more coalesced. I hear it's very nice though rather boring. It's gotta be better than taxes and Elon, right? Anyway, those of you who die during this time because you didn't figure out transcendence will respawn on a third-density planet in Orion's belt because that's basically the only constellation most humans can recognize. (They may have taxes and Elon there - sorry.) The rest of you will live on a renewed Earth in peace, love, and harmony forever and ever! You will each receive a new name: "[your name] onGaia." (If you already use this name, that's a bit presumptuous of you but well done! Less paperwork for both of us.)

It sounds almost like a religion, doesn't it?

But Lavvy, I hear you cry, what must I do? Let's start with what you must not do, because in a couple of years it won't matter:

  • Don't save the climate.

  • Don't save the whales.

  • Don't save up for your kid's college fund.


Do this instead:

  • Move to the mountains to avoid the floods (if you can't, sux to be you).

  • Meditate more.

  • Eat all the bacon and candy you want because your biotech (body) is disposable and everyone gets hot new bods in fourth density modeled on Star Trek actor and contortionist Doug Jones.

  • Watch more Netflix and I might just pop up (holographically) in the corner of your room to say hi! (I do charge for selfies.)

An Apology

The Council of Aliens apologizes to humanity for choosing as our mouthpiece someone who was not fit for the task, for the following reasons:

Aliens in a tunnel
Our mouthpiece is not honest.
She lied about having no drugs in her system when she met Lavvy Being, even though she was blitzed.
She lied about having their permission for her overly complicated expedition.
She lied about a huge corp being interested in purchasing their property, in order to get back on their land.
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